THE UNEXPECTED

It's time to share the whole story about how our journey to Joel came to be.

Where to start this story and OH IT WILL BE A LONG POST!!!!

On or close to July 20th of 2013 my family and I traveled to Heartbridge (HB) Healing Home located in the New Hope home in Beijing, China. New Hope was started by Joyce and Robin and is just one of the many homes that they run.  I really wanted to meet them but Joyce had suffered a stroke and was in the hospital. I volunteer with Love Without Boundaries and wanted to bring needed supplies and also see a few of their programs.  There were many unexpected gifts this day and I'd like to share the first one about Jenny.  To do this I must tell you a little about Jenny.  She was in HB and was to be adopted until she went to the doctor and they found she had only one kidney.  The family who wanted to adopt her then backed out.  As I was reading about Jenny I fell in love with her and started to research her medical condition and said a few prayers on her behalf.  I thought about Jenny for several days and really started to research her condition.  While on the Internet I had the strongest impression.  Actually it was more than an impression I heard a voice as plain as day say "She is not your daughter." Tears began to slide down my face, not so much that I was sad even though I was but more so that my Father in Heaven let me know she was not the one.  I thought of Jenny often over the next several months.  This experience probably took place around January or February of 2013.  I kept praying that her family would find her.

Now back to seeing HB.  We had just spent the day touring the Great Wall and we were all very hot and tired.  I worried how the trip would go as I had no clue what to expect and I knew my family was tired as was I.  On the bus ride to meet Cindy (she works for LWB and would be our guide to HB) I talked with McKade quietly explaining that we would see many children with many different special needs.  I told him to not worry about their needs and just enjoy our time there.  He said ok mom.  He had no questions for me and seemed ready for this adventure.  When we arrived after a 30 plus minute drive from the city I was in awe of the home and the land it sat on.  It was well groomed and looked happy with all the plants, grass and trees.  I was so anxious to get inside.  When we entered New Hope we took off our shoes to show our respect and washed our hands to keep germs out.  I again was struck with AWE at how clean this home was.  We first went to visit the toddler room.  As we entered the room I stopped and had to catch my breathe.  The first child my eyes fell upon was Jenny.  There she was looking back at me.  I said a quick, quiet prayer thanking Heavenly Father for this unexpected gift.  I should have known Jenny lived here but I never even bothered to see what program she was in.  Jenny was very fearful of strangers and wanted nothing to do with us.  I knew I had to hold her in my arms and smother her with hugs and loves.  How was I to do this when she wouldn't even look at us.  Then it came to me, I needed to show her on my phone her face and take her picture.  Slowly after sitting close by her I took out my phone and flipped the camera so she could see herself.  She wanted to take it to look but I showed her she must sit in my lap to do it.  She did, she sat in my lap and I took our picture.  I snuggled her all I could without completely freaking her out.  I never got her to smile but I was able to give her some love.  When we left she smiled at us and waved but I wasn't able to capture it on film.  I left this room with a heart full of gratitude.  I knew Jenny was fine I also knew everything would work out for her.  I was so blessed to have this moment with the little girl I hoped to be my daughter.  (Not part of this story really but LWB posted our photo on line and her mama working in America to bring her home messaged me and I have been able to watch Jenny grow and be part of her Forever Family.  JOY!!)

Now for my second unexpected gift.  When we entered the first room of kids Kian started playing with the toys in the room.  McKade went right to the floor and started loving on all the kids.  He didn't even notice their special needs he just played and loved them without reservation.  I was so proud of my boy and his huge heart.  In the second room there were babies and most of them had heart disease but other special needs existed there.  McKade loved all the babies but one little boy just stole his heart and McKade spent most of his time in this room with Joel in his arms.  He was a very sweet little boy who wasn't very afraid of us.  At the time I thought nothing of it.  I believe the Spirit talked to McKade's soul this day.  I am not sure the conversation it had with him but it made him ready for the journey.  McKade talked a lot about Joel the rest of the trip and a lot when we got home.  He would say Joel is my favorite, Joel is my boy and so on.  I would laugh and say yes he is a cute sweet boy but had no other feelings than this.

We did visit one more room before we left also with toddlers.  There I met a little boy I am not sure his name as I was told a couple of different ones.  This little boy had a problem with his legs and would require amputation as his only option for repair.  It was with this boy that I realized I could do hard things.  I asked if he had a family coming and was told he did.  I told Cindy to keep me posted and let me know if he wasn't adopted and I would come and get him.  While there this little boy asked Cindy if we were Marisol's family (the kids knew Marisol would be adopted soon she also lived in this room)  they explained no her family would come next week.  This little boy then asked Cindy where his mom and dad were?  This broke my heart and told me all the more I could bring him home.  He could not get enough love from us and wanted to hug us non stop and was happy to be held by us.  It was a great feeling to know he enjoyed our love so much.  This little boy was not in LWB but New Hope so I followed their newsletter each month for his updates and I also emailed Cindy to make sure he had a family coming for him.  He was adopted and is now with his forever family.  My heart is so happy to know he finally got his family and non stop love that he so longed for. (I also found Marisol's family on Facebook and have been able to watch her grow.  Kian called her his girlfriend in China.)

Over the next several months I would tell McKade about Joel when I saw him on Facebook.  Whenever anyone asked McKade about China he would tell them about Joel.  At parent teachers at the end of the school year I was going through McKades work and found his GREATEST WISH assignment.  McKades GREATEST WISH was to help all the orphans in China find families.  Out of everything he could wish for in the world he wished for this.  I realized this day that his heart was touched far more than I ever thought.  LWB did a blog on McKade and his wish.  Click on the link if you would like to read more.   http://www.lwbcommunity.org/mckades-greatest-wish

A couple of months after this we learned that Joel's file would soon be going to an adoption agency.  I started getting emails from LWB volunteers telling me we should adopt Mc's favorite.  I laughed and mentioned it to Jeff jokingly.  He joked back saying sure if someone else pays for it and that was my response to LWB.  Knowing that Joel would need a home I started sending his information off to everyone who I knew was looking to adopt hoping someone would see his picture and say "there is our son."  It didn't happen and a couple of months later LWB started making a bigger push for Joel because the agency finally had his file and Joel needed a home.  This is when I started to realize that Joel had bigger heart problems than I first expected but still didn't know how big because I didn't research it because we were not adopting him.  A friend I made through FB because her son was in LWB and she lived in Utah also asked me to adopt Joel.  I explained that McKade really loved him but I didn't have the connection but would work hard to help him find a home.  She asked me if I prayed about it and I felt like I kinda had but really didn't need to because he wasn't ours.  At the beginning of July I had a thought "I should pray and see if Joel is our boy."  I seriously laughed to myself because I knew he wasn't.  A few days later and still no home had been found for Joel I said a quick prayer that went something like "Lord, if Joel is my son you better let me know because I don't think that he is" I also, like always, ended the prayer hoping his family would find him.  A week or so later I saw a post on FB with Joel playing hide and go seek with a statement like we hope Joel's family finds him soon.  I remember thinking OUCH they are hitting below the belt by pulling on the heartstrings now but still that was it.  Then a few days later out of the blue on the 24th of July I came home from work and looked at my email on my phone.  All I saw was the subject line that read "YOUR HUSBAND SAID IF SOMEONE ELSE PAID" reading it my heart skipped a beat and I couldn't even catch my breath.  I hadn't opened up the email but I already knew it would be about Joel.  Why was I having all these emotions.  I opened up the email and started to read and tears began to run down my face.  Someone had donated $10,000 to help with Joel's adoption.  I had seen grants before but never ones this large.  My heart knew at that very moment that Joel was my son.  I honestly know it had nothing to do with the money but knew that God used this information to let me know that YES THIS BOY IS YOURS!!  HE WAS LETTING ME KNOW!!!!  I called Jeff and jokingly told him that someone had paid for Joel's adoption and we had to go and get him.  He responded with thats a good start but your still short $20,000.  I got off the phone and couldn't control my emotions.  I was crying and crying and honestly not wanting to accept what the Lord had just told me.  McKade came in and asked why are you crying.  I honestly could not tell him because I couldn't control my tears long enough to get the words out.  McKade said "It's Joel isn't it?  Tell me know mom whats wrong with Joel."  I started to cry harder in awe at my in tune son.  Was the Lord speaking to him again?  How did he know my tears were for Joel?  I finally managed to tell him that I was crying for Joel and just hoping he would get a family.  McKade said we can be his family.  I explained that I didn't think dad would go for it.  I then hugged my sweet son and again thanked my Savior for such a loving, sweet son who gets my passion for orphans and also has the desire to help them.  I then sent Jeff this text:
Jeff I want to be done adopting.  I wouldn’t even think of Joel because we are done.  But the past couple weeks there has been such a push for him to be adopted that I finally prayed about him because honestly he doesn’t feel like he is mine.  I told God if he is mine he would have to let me know.  When I saw the email today my heart skipped a beat and I couldn’t catch my breath.  I was sitting there crying when McKade came in and asked what was wrong.  I couldn’t answer him.  He said its Joel isn’t it, tell me right now what happened.  How does he always know?????  Can we really do this again????  WHYYYYYYYYY???????????  I am not going to lie I am a mess right now just warning you.

WARNING!!!!!  

I am telling this story 100% how it took place. 

I should have know how Jeff would respond.  He tends to be angry first and say things I know he doesn't really mean.  I got this text back.

Seriously I don't know what to think.  We can barely afford our kids currently and we need to move and his medical issues means you won't be working at all.  I hate being about money but it is.  

Of course I got angry back with this text.  But I shouldn't have I know its always been about the money with Jeff how could it not be he is the bread winner.  He is the one who has to support his family.  We really don't have the money but I always figure it will work out.   However I will spare you the rest of the texts as they get a little heated.  I then asked him to forget I asked and I went to my room and curled up in the fetal position and sobbed my eyes out.  We were scheduled to leave for St. George the next morning so I got up and packed.  When Jeff got home we didn't say much to each other.  We got up early and headed to St. George.  I begin messaging my friend telling her that I finally realized Joel was my son but Jeff would have nothing to do with it.  She gave me great advice to ask Jeff only to think about it but not ask him to adopt Joel.  She then started being very honest with me about his medical issues.  Up til now I knew Joel had one heart surgery and needed another one in the US in order to survive.  That is all I knew.  She explained that Joel would need more surgeries but gave me the cold hard truth that Joel would die an early death.  In the end he needed a heart transplant but was not a good candidate.  She told me he may live for a few weeks or months or even years but he would die.  My friend knew all this because she had a little boy with a very similar heart defect and he passed away this year.  She knew this because she has been following Joel's story and knew his diagnosis.  I knew right then and there that the Lord put her in my life for this very moment.  Tears were just streaming down my face the entire drive.  Jeff never asked what was wrong, he knew and I was glad he let me cry in silence.  Even learning how sick Joel was I didn't care I wanted him home with us, his family.  When we got to St. George I had a good cry with my best friend and decided to call the adoption agency and ask about Joel's file.  I was told that there were several people in line for his file and he would get a home.  I told the lady that I understood how sick his heart was and worried many of those families would back out.  The lady went on to tell me that they had several kids open for adoption.  I explained I had no desire to adopt again, only Joel.  I asked her if I could submit some paperwork putting me in line for his file in case everyone else backed out.  She said that I could but again told me he would be adopted but I could be matched with someone else.  I again tried to explain to her that I only wanted Joel.  I hung up the phone with the information I needed to submit his file.  I explained the call to my friend and she said how do you feel.  I told her I felt like that wasn't the end of things.  After this I felt a great deal of peace, the first bit of peace I had felt in 24 hours.  I prayed and told the Lord if we were to bring Joel home he would have to tell Jeff and left it all in his hands.  

Later that night McKade and I were going to Tuacahn to see the Little Mermaid.  Before the show I explained to him how sick Joel really was and told him that he would die and it could be very soon we just didn't know or he could live for years.  I wanted Mc to understand how serious his condition was.  I then said McKade now after knowing how sick Joel is would you still want to adopt him?  Mc said "Mom it will be a lot of pain and sorrow but it will be worth it. Mom its better that Joel comes here and dies with a family who loves him than alone in China."  I bit back the tears as they pooled in my eyes.  Again my son was being taught by the Spirit and teaching his mother.  My amazing boy, I hugged him and was again in Awe of the miracle I was given 10 years ago with this boy.  The next day Jeff got up early and went golfing and I felt I needed to send him an email explaining my heart.  I know my husband does better with email than me confronting him.  This is the email I sent to him:
The subject line read: Please Read with an Open Heart

I would love to be having this conversation with you in person but don't feel like it would go very well so I ask you to please just read this.  I am not asking you to adopt Joel but I need you to understand the past 24 plus hours for me.
 
Joel was never a child I felt a connection for.  I know Mc did so we joked about adopting him but honestly I am done with adoption. I have felt bad for him that he needs a forever family so I have prayed for him non stop.  To look back now I realize I have thought of him a great deal since we left China.  A week or so ago I did pray and told Heavenly Father that I did not feel like Joel was mine so if he was he needed to let me know.  I then thought nothing more about it until Thursday when I received the email about his grant.  When I read it my heart skipped a beat and I couldn't catch my breath.  Tears immediately started and I instantly felt different about this boy.  Did I want to adopt again, NO.  Was the Lord asking me to? I am not sure.  Jeff I have great faith even if I am not very religious I believe the Lord speaks to us.  Honestly I wasn't sure if he was speaking to me but knew I felt differently.  I text you and we know how that went.
 
I spoke to Deanne because she follows Joel and we speak of him all the time.  I told her of my feelings and yours.  They have been here.  She was honest with me.  Joel will not live long.  Even if he comes to the USA and has surgery he will die.  He may have weeks, years or days no one knows but his heart is very bad.  Knowing that could I still bring him home?  Honestly Jeff I could and that shocks me more than anything and this is how I know God is speaking to me.  He may just be teaching me this lesson that I can do impossibly hard things.  
 
I did contact the adoption agency who has Joel's file.  His file is on hold and he has a list of 5 other families waiting for his file.  This brings me great happiness because I just want him to know the joy of a family.  He deserves this as I believe every child in the world does.  So I am not asking you to adopt Joel.  But I am asking you if we can submit a form that they will contact us if all of those families fall out and Joel still needs a home.  It would take us so much time to do that work that I really don't want him waiting that long. But I also believe the Lord has a plan for Joel and if in the end it is us I am asking that you at least think about it.
 
I talked to McKade last night about how sick Joel's heart really is as I have never shared this with him.  I told him he will die maybe in a week or years but he will die.  I then asked him knowing that he will die would you still want to bring him home and Mc said mom it would be a lot of pain and sorrow but it would be worth it.  Jeff our son has an amazing spirit that is so mature and sensitive.  I agree that this would be hard but I also think it would be worth it.  I would be honored to be his Mama.  I cant believe I am saying this about a case that is so hopeless and especially since I have felt no connection until now to Joel.  But the Lord is speaking to me, he is teaching me and I am honored and feel blessed to learn this lesson.
 
Jeff I would give up my house to help a child in need, I would give up all that I have if the Lord asked me to.  I know I cant ask that of you and I am not but you need to understand my heart.  If you say we can submit the form and then by some miracle God does ask us to take this journey then I will use my savings it will not change our plans to move.  I will fundraise I will do whatever it takes to give this boy a family even if its for a very short time, even if we are not his family I will help him get one.
 
I finally feel peace about this and know its in the Lords hands.  I feel like if this is supposed to happen he will make you feel it to.  If not another family will take him and love him and that is wonderful and I will celebrate it.  But I had to share with you all that I have learned and experienced in the past 24 hours.  In the future I would like to share this in person but I don't feel safe doing this my heart is to fragile on this special experience I have been given.
 
I love you and appreciate all your support in all we have done in our lives.  I never imagined where we would be or how we would have gotten here but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Attached was this blog post: http://www.lwbcommunity.org/a-generous-grant-for-joel

I felt peace sending off this email and let it go and went swimming with my kids.  We got cleaned up and Jeff took us to lunch when he was done golfing.  After we ordered and were sitting there waiting for our food Jeff said ok lets talk about Joel.  Tears began to run down my cheeks and I knew with nothing else being said that Jeff was in!!!!  I gave him Joel's medical report to read and he said it scared him to death.  Mc and I then shared the conversation we had the night before about at least Joel having a family even if its for a short time.  The medical reports did say he could live for up to 20 years without a heart transplant. I felt such love for my amazing husband.  We left St. George the next day and we talked about Joel on the ride home.  Jeff said we could submit the form.

The second I walked in the door I filled out the form and sent it off with this email:

Attached is our Waiting Child Review form and a couple photos of me and my son with Joel when we met him while doing service at Heartbridge.

I understand there are 4-5 other families ahead of us, if I was told right.  But if those families turn down his file we would like to lock in his file.  We don't need anymore information on him we are ready to adopt him.  We have a top notch pediatric cardio hospital in SLC 30 minutes from our home.  They have treated cases like Joel's before.  We also understand his special need and what the outcomes may be.

Our home study is current we met with our social worker on Friday morning.  It sounds like we can't reuse our dossier with your agency and we will need to start that over but feel it can be done very quickly as we have adopted twice before.  The thought of Joel waiting for a family is the hardest part so if its not meant to be that Joel comes to our home we pray the family who chooses him can bring him home quickly.

Diana, I appreciate all your help with Joel and ask that you can let us know if someone locks in his file before it comes to us.  Waiting is the hardest part and we just want to know if a family chooses him.

Again thanks for everything

Brittani Lots

I sent this Sunday night and Monday morning at 8am I received a call from Diana.  I was in shock to see the number and knew it had to be her.  When I answered she explained that I was confused about the number of people in front of us.  She did say that a few families had turned down his file when they read heart transplant.  She explained that yes they had a few other families but we were the ones who could get him fastest.  There was another couple who understood how sick he was and willing to adopt him but they didn't have a home study.  She said if we were ready we could lock in his file.  I was crying.  She then tried for quite some time to talk me out of it.  Asking if I really understood what I was getting my family into?  I tried to explain to her that the Lord was asking us to do this and had prepared us and nothing could change our minds.  I explained that  a month ago I was asking my friend how she could adopt a baby knowing he would die and telling her I couldn't do it and now I was saying yes I can do it.  The Lord can have us do anything and I was putting my trust in Him.  She told me to talk to my husband and make really sure and call her in a few days.  I told her I would get off the phone and talk to him and call her right back as we had already decided.  So I did, I talked to Jeff and the kids and we said ok.  I called her back and said we were in and to send me the info to submit LOI (Letter or Intent to China telling them we want to adopt Joel).  She again tried to talk me out of it.  I went to work, she sent the email, I came home and did the LOI.  The next day we got it notarized and our fingerprints taken and sent it all in.  The process had begun.  

With my other adoption and even IVF I was afraid the entire process.  Now we were adopting a very sick little boy and I should be my most fearful but all I feel is peace.  I am blessed to have the Gospel in my life and I am blessed with a loving Heavenly Father who makes it all doable.  

Even the UNEXPECTED!!!!