Our FINAL Attempt!!!

Warning-This Blog Entry is Long, Angry at Times, May Contain Language unsuitable for children and most adults.

But I need this journal entry and my blog is my journal so if you don't want to read it, that's fine by me. Its mostly venting!!

Jeff and I went back up to the U of U on December 17, 2009. We realized that we still had $2500.00 in cafeteria money that we had to use before the end of the year. I really wanted lasik or lipo dissolve but we both decided it was time to get our little embryos out of the freezer. We have 3 embryos that have been on ice since March of 2008. Not that I don't want a baby because believe me, I DO, We DO!! But its such a hard process and so emotional!!

Now this time we are not doing a FULL IVF we are doing a Cryopreserved Embryo Transfer. Since I already have the embryos we do not need to create them like we have done in the past. What does this mean?? It means my body does not have to go through so much crap. We do not have to grow my golf sized ovaries to Avacado sized ovaries. I do not need to have to have so many shots, or have a needle prick my ovaries 30+ times to get all the eggs out and so forth and Jeff does not need a chunk cut out of his "Boys"!! Overall, lots cheaper and not so painful!! We met with the doctor for our 5th consult that costs $400.00. We have been with Dr Petersen since March of 2002, so he has had plenty of time to get to know me. We sit down and I tell him this is our FINAL time no matter what!!! You see last time I told him it was our last time and for the first time ever we had embryos that could be frozen. Before there were no embryos good enough to freeze. Don't get your hopes up I wasn't producing any better eggs science is just that much more high tech over the years! Doc asked me how I was doing and I immediately began to cry. I was thinking where in the hell did these tears come from. But I realized quickly that I had built a wall since my miscarriage. My doc realized quickly as well that I built a wall and he could tell I was protecting myself for this final step. Doc said I really needed to talk to their shrink and deal with my loses but I of course said I am fine because I am so tough, right.... We moved on with our appointment and I got to be a little of a smart ass because I was annoyed that I had to pay for another consult when I could tell the doctor everything. He quickly picked up on my "tude" and said lets move on to the the physical part of the exam. Before we left his office he did brighten my day and said he would not be charging us for a full consult since we were on our 5th and we knew all there was to know. So, we moved on to the physical exam. This includes hearing me breath, a few questions about my cycle and my favorite part the wand ultra sound. I guess I shouldn't call it a wand because there is nothing magical about this wand but I have no idea the real name for the thing but I do know how to insert it myself after all these years. Oh did I forget the part where they put a catheter in my uterus to make sure they can successfully put back the embryos?? That is a close second on the days highlights. Good news is everything looks good and I am ready to go, almost. Since I have now miscarried twice I need to get some blood work done to make sure I don't have some sort of syndrome I guess. Actually he ran a test called Cardiolipin Antibodies and Lupus Anticoagulant Panel (My results all came back negative, SWEET. I will make sure to edit this post once I get the bill for those tests...) I next met with a nurse, she is new but I liked her right away. She is darling and has a great sense of humor which I need. I told her I was a pro at this and lets get right to it. She made me my calendar and plotted out our next couple of months. She told me first off Aunt Flo and Uncle Tom should be paying me a visit on Christmas day. That was sure not the gift I wanted for Christmas!! She then said to call her the 1st day after my period. I asked her if I should still call 801-581-4838. She was just plain sad that I had their number memorized. So here is my schedule (By the way didn't get that gift for Christmas, it came early and I was thrilled). Start with Birth Control, I know you are thinking why birth control I thought you wanted a baby. Yes, but the docs want to control everything about my body right now. Then take Lupron on January 17th. Lupron I have no idea what it is but it cost me $99.00 and its a little shot I inject into my stomach once per day. I am not complaining about this because in the past when I do IVF I have to take several shots in the tummy per day, so I am thrilled with one. Start Estrace on 1/27/10 this only cost me $10.00. Estrace is estrogen I think and since the Lupron is turning off my ovaries (they don't need them this time) I guess I need to add estrogen back in. Then I have to get an ultra sound on February 9th just to make sure all is well. Yes the wand one again, I cant wait!! Then I start Progesterone on 2/11/10. This is an oil that is supposed to help you not miscarry. Its an awesome at least 3 inch needle that Jeff sticks in my ass okay its my hip but ass always sounds better right. It hurts pretty darn bad and it takes a while to get the oil into the muscle. This cost us $139.50 for two weeks. If I am blessed enough to get pregnant I will take that shot for 4 months. I will try not to complain about it because I will just be thrilled to be pregnant. Then on February 17th I go in and they put the embryos in the catheter and insert them into my uterus and I get to watch it on the TV which is pretty cool (This new high tech addition has only been around since our last try). If I am lucky they will give me a couple of Valium before which I like because it knocks me out (Valium is included in the fee). I then lay in the center for an hour and off to bed rest I go. In cycle one I was on bedrest for 5 days and no baby. Cycle 2-4 Doc thought I better stay on bedrest for two weeks. I seriously went crazy last time. This time my awesome new nurse says bedrest for 5 days and then take it way easy for the remainder of the two weeks. I don't really know how to take it easy but I will figure it out, but I will not sit in a recliner for two weeks and go crazy again but I promise I will be good. The nurse says my doc is a little old fashion with the bedrest thing and there are no studies to prove that anything over 1 day is helpful. So I will stay in bed for 5 and take it easy the rest. The nurse had me choose a doctor I have had most of them so I know who I like (really there is only one beast chick doc up there who I don't want as my doc. Ok she is a great doctor but said something to me once that pissed me off!! Something along the lines of you already have one child isn't that enough. Sorry beast its not enough for me!!) My doc wasn't on the schedule and we couldn't wait so we chose the doctor who was in training on my last cycle and her supervisor. The nurse told us that he had been getting only twins lately no matter how many embryos they implanted and Jeff immediately said, "Will take him". So Jeff is as always hoping for Twins. Really it would be great and Jeff said it would make up for some of the lost money but the work would not be so fun... Oh yeah, I do have to take some Doxycycline for a couple of days only $4.00 and the birth control cost me $8.00 and I got 2 fills so $16.00. We did make sure to pay for our partial consult $200.00 :) and our upcoming procedure $2420.00 before we left. Oh yeah and it costs $250.00 every 6 months to keep our little embryos on ice. I am keeping track of all the money to show how much less this will cost us than a normal IVF cycle. I tell Mc all the time he is a $60,000.00 baby (I add up all 4 IVF's for him) and I want to tell this baby if we are so lucky what it cost and what we went through to get him or her. And McKade when you are old enough to read this, it was worth every shot, pill, heartache, and near bankruptcy. I would do it all over if I had to, I would do it as many times as it took to have you in my life, I love you so much!! On the way home from our visit Jeff took me to Hires, he loves me!! And we talked about what a mess I am and didn't realize it and got geared up for our 5th and final attempt. Now I must admit that over the past month I have been quite a mess. I was hiding it well until a couple Sundays ago when I lost it at church and just couldn't quit crying. I keep telling myself to call the shrink but I think I am a little to proud or just to stubborn. At the end of the day I know I am just plain scared. Scared to be maybe disappointed and heartbroken again, scared to get my hopes up, scared that its my last time, scared of just about everything. My husband has not left me yet, he is patient with me and I love him. I will keep everyone updated on my blog. Wish Us Luck!!